be free

i am the only one to blame for this 
somehow it all ends up the same
soaring on the wings of selfish pride
i flew too high and like Icarus i collide
with a world i try so hard to leave behind
to rid myself of all but love
to give and die

 to turn away and not become
another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
of a world embracing every heartache

can i be the one to sacrifice?
or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

to love you- take my world apart
to need you- i am on my knees
to love you- take my world apart
to need you- broken on my knees

all said and done i stand alone
amongst remains of a life i should not own
it takes all i am to believe
in the mercy that covers me

did you really have to die for me?
all i am for all you are
because what i need and what i believe are worlds apart

i look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
“dull the nails that still remain”
more and more i need you now,
i owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
i gave up not so long ago
so steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and take all the things i cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours

take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that i despise
speak the words i can’t deny
watch the world i used to love
fall to dust and thrown away

i pray, i pray, i pray
take my world apart.  

code blue*
the nurse’s voice on the intercom is so soothing.
calm, collected, but subtly urgent. 
diet coke in right hand, phone in left. 
doctors are running, straight into the elevator doors i am about to enter and..which have now closed on me with doctors inside and me, here. 
i think i heard a muffled “sorry” “excuse me” “emergency!” something like that. 
okay, ill just take the stairs. 
this is like a really good episode of greys anatomy flashing before my eyes. 
at this rate i should run into derek and meredith in the stairwell, flabbergasted that their one night stand will turn into six seasons of intense drama. 
ok focus. where am i? 
diet coke in right hand, phone in left. 
caffeine break. right.
i have to go back. time: two minutes thirty one seconds passed.  
up the stairs, no merder (boo) turn right at the hallway, one more left,
ok we’re here.
doctors? i hear doctors. three? four?
its my room.
running now, panicking. two minutes and now thirty seven seconds. 
and there she is. 
coding. 
“we’re losing blood, come on people” 
lifeless, pale, serene. 
do i call? how could this happen? mind is racing, racing, racing….
blank. 
“all clear, 1, 2, 3″ 
body convulses. a momentary burst of life. 
one more time, “1, 2, 3″ 
and then i hear it. 
faint, but steady. 
her lifeline. 
droopy eyes. she looks tired. probably from being dead for forty five seconds. 
“it’s not your fault” 
four months ago, this was expected. 
but death, you can’t be prepared for death. 
my job was to check the iv and make sure that a copy of ‘the book of basketball’ (signed edition) was next to the picture of her and him and a bottle of chardonnay. 
it’s a good thing he wasn’t here. 
code blue.
she’s a doctor too. has four kids and a mighty good lookin husband. i told him to take the kids home. who knew she would freak everyone out within that hour.
we went to college together. me and her. her and i. she was so healthy, until cancer kicked her in the face two years ago. married right out of college, she was beautiful.. so happy with the world, full of life.  
he’s here. my cue to leave.
she grabs my hand, wrapping it in the fragile crevices left of her fingers.
“always and forever” a strange stillness. 
and then i know.
she sits with him. smiling, so stupidly even in the face of death. he forces composure.
finally, a tear.

12:07am. she sleeps.

we let her go.

i just sat there again. 
   i know.
it really is my lifeline. 
   i know.
it wasn’t an accident, right? 
   i had to. 
it was excruciating, the possibility. 
   you’ll know later. 8:10
there’s always something in the way.
   you looked yesterday. 
i did. 
   how was the whole two point seven seconds? 
brief. its just another trick. 
   there’s always something getting through.
im tired.
   11:28
i know.
    im excited for this week : )
you should be~ im doing it for you.
   i chose you. 
can you stop being nice to me? it’s freaking me out. 
   uncanny much? 
sometimes ignorance rings true. 
   i recant.
you win.
   it’s okay.
that’s my favorite phrase, it’s okay. an acknowledgement and recognition of sanity.
   i hear you’re a liar. 
haha you make me laugh.
   you’re not getting out of this. 31:30
happy november. 
   its precious, time. 
im tired. 
   you walked in the rain. 
it’s easy that way. it all blends together. 
   lifeline, remember?
stop waiting for me. 
   but hope is not in what you know. 
i walked in the rain. 
   inadvertently getting lost..?
and i find peace when i’m confused.
   so it begins, again. 
so it begins.

not in me, it’s you. 
it’s all i know.  

the most frequently cited exhortation in the new testament.

revival 2 0 0 9. 
third cycle. dry routine.
surprised, adequately.
luke 8:10
 ”you are not hopeless” 
incorrect theology. veiled modesty.
all wrapped up in a smile. failed deception. 
commitment vs. love; love vs. commitment?
broken strings. 
still, why?
hebrews 12:2
gandhi- ‘be the change you want to see’ 
hesitant, what if.. but.. me?
people are gray, my friend.
COME OUT/
run.
reconciliation. misunderstanding. frustration. 
the circle progressively weakening; it’s getting smaller. 
faith: let him catch you. 
made for first love. don’t settle.
lust is the greatest joke on mankind. 
free to dance. constricted? 
anti coward. “frank and beans” 
just dont sin. 

h o p e

she is 25. “you find a husband yet?” the ever lingering question that follows her not only to the steps of her doorway, but inside the comfort of her own home as well. 
 popular in high school, popular in college. she was one of those girls. 
the girl that everyone thought would end up well, but for some reason was not getting hooked up. 
good grades, good faith, big face, but cute demeanor, good family, well rounded. 
 then he came along. 

it was a normal day. another set-up from the parents. 
he walked in. was just whatever. she’s seen better. 
but as he’s walking closer, slowly looking for her, it happens.
the splurge of emotions and this ever so creepy feeling of,
‘dang. im going to marry this man’
a person she is meeting for the first time. who seems so.. average, but there’s just something different about him.  

one year later, they become one.  

he is such a guy. 
rarely shows emotion. takes forever to hold her hand. is stubborn and thinks he knows everything, and has a large collection of female relationships. hm..
but yes, it’s him.

twenty-nine years later, this man still brings flowers for her birthday, adores her for playing golf so they can play together, is a hard working business owner, and most of all, will do anything for his family of three girls. this man who was barely a christian before getting married, is now an elder in the church and doesn’t let a family dinner pass without the longest minute prayer before eating. 

she is crazy. cries during tv shows on a daily basis, cannot sit still for more than two hours without feeling unproductive, is a nurse at two hospitals, a korean school principal, a part-time reporter for the local newspaper, and the best friend of her youngest daughter. 
he is a rigid korean man who repeats everything he says about three times, unable to admit when he does not know the right answer, with a perfectionist mindset, and has cried in front of her twice throughout their entire life together. once when his eldest daughter almost died the second day after she was born and the other, while praying.

three homes, immigration to america, two miscarriages,  and twenty nine years later, my parents have become a Christ-imaging couple who support each other through thick and thin regardless of their imperfections as people. complete opposites and hardly romantic in my eyes (which they claim to only do in private), my father is a respectable, hard working and head of our family, and my mom our friend and nurturing counselor. together, a picture of Christ and the beauty of marriage. as much as they drive me crazy and are hard to explain to other people, my parents are my parents:

witnesses to the truth that, love conquers all. 
happy twenty ninth anniversary mr. and mrs. jun

temporarily retreating : )

to begin, i DID celebrate the fourth of july in españa! despite the fact that the independence of america has no significance in the middle of spain and i genuinely missed playing with sparklers next to sonic with some crazies, it turned out to be a pretty good day :] sangria and tapas on the terrace of plaza nueva~ to accommodate us americans, our program had a “fourth of july” event, except we had it on july 2nd so we could be free during the weekend. they took us to a mediterranean food tasting event where we tried four different types of wines, three types of olive oil, three different plates of food (with tapas), and an exceptional dessert : p then i was off to cordoba on friday where spain reached its peak temperature of 115 degrees fahrenheit. i believe i got a taste of hell. it aint pretty.

starting july 1st, spain is REBAJAS season! aka black friday for three months. im looking for gifts! but im broke and apparently all six postcards i sent out have been lost in the mail .. : ( wanted to bring back messi or kaka, but im about 90 million euros short. ronaldo is a freaking god here. we’ve been watching his inauguration into real madrid for the past three days! please excuse the frequent dramatic episodes lately. idk i think its just all starting to hit. leaving granada, trying to absorb everything that happened in the last month and a half, and having to reformat my future. two more days of classes and then off to madrid, barcelona, & paris to see the fam! summer is packed ! champaign visit, camp pride, jgen, junior? eek~ 

“quién nos separará
de tu amor, inmenso amor, de tu amor, o Dios

ni la vida, ni la muerte, ni lo alto, o lo profundo
ni los ángeles, ni principados, ni ninguna cosa creada
no nos podrán, separar de tu inmenso amor”  
im gonna miss this place~

dear Jesus. 
how are my jeans so tight?
it must be how they wash things here..
RIGHT?
can you please help me return to the states without this chub?

dear my beloved esther.
its the bread, not the air-drying. 
but if you say so,
i guess i can help.
here is some diarrhea, nausea, headaches, and a fever.
try to get some sleep!

dear Jesus, 
thanks….

please pray that these last couple weeks are not miserable for me.
im dying to see you guys.. LITERALLY! 
i think it might be from morocco.
but if this nauseousness is what it feels like to be pregnant
im really going to have to reconsider this familia i want to have.

anonymous: “esther, you’re the type of person that gives people maybe 20% from the start, and then if they’re legit, 40. how do i get to 60?”

me: “ask : ]” 

despite the fact that i have no idea who reads this (outside of my four devoted blog family), here is me giving you an introductory 19%!  :P

what i believe are five things you might not know about me:
1) the history of athleticism: this is neither modest nor an understatement. i am not an athletic person. i feel like death when running half a mile and although i enjoy physical activity (in particular, the dancing..), im not well coordinated. i used to ice skate until 6th grade and when you’re 80 pounds, its much easier to fly around. confession: i played rugby for a semester in high school. i know, gasp* –> rationale: i didn’t know what it was and it was the only non competitive sport without try outs. i had a friend who played so i joined. i literally just ran if i got the ball.. that ended very quickly. i actually did start playing golf with my papa though. love it! 

2) i do not have perfect pitch nor an exceptional musical talent, but i love to jam. music is a gift for me. i don’t play conventionally and RARELY for audiences, but its my way of releasing. its beyond skill or practice, its just an indescribable peace. some of the best memories of my life have been from being in praise band (core, life creek, hanmee, nk girls revival, etc.) and just singing with different* people. 
*bubbles, you know.  

3) one of my biggest insecurities. oh my i can’t believe im professing this over the internet. not only do i have a mild case of psoriasis (it was worse when i was growing up, but i haven’t seen much of it recently), but chicken skin on my arms and legs. im very self-conscious about my arms because i have bumps AND arm hair (so DONT look! its embarrassing). i basically contradict the definition of a smooth  korean girl. i secretly panic when people put their arms around me and im wearing a t-shirt or non long-sleeve because it feels like i have goosebumps ALWAYS [irenejang are you reading this : p]. thats why i love winter : ) i LOVE hugs and TOUCH! but have a deep fear that people will be repulsed.

4) my favorite color is orange. i don’t like to wear it, but i love pastelly tropical colors –> orange green yellow. which might explain why my favorite fruits are mangos, pineapples, and kiwis. (sidenote: favorite vegetable is cauliflower) my family isn’t a huge dessert family so ive always preferred fruit or vegetables after meals. im generally not a huge dessert person (excluding some special occasions : p and FROYO!) i can be kind of a monster when it comes to eating. not always, but its definitely there..[where i got the nickname, esthermonster]

5) i am terrible at mental math. i got through calculus and algebra and geometry and everything, but simple calculations.. terrible. hence, why i just double tax for tip and use my fingers to count. i blatantly admit that i am a big dork. even though im not naturally smart, i love school. trust me, im not degrading myself by any means, my grades are sole hard work. but i love to learn and think science is so cool. i wanted to be a doctor until senior year of high school when it became pretty clear what my life calling was. i love going to museums and shows/musicals and reading! overall. im just really easily entertained and are reminded of my true nature on a daily basis from a certain few people *ahem who wake me up from my attempts at being COOL. psh

and there you have it!
maybe not quite nineteen percent, but a little some some
this blog desperately needed a break from emo-ness : p

went to my first church here in granada. la iglesía evangelica bautista de granada. on calle angel barrios. i went in expecting a cathedral and instead, found the bottom floor of a run-down building with ten pews, and a slightly inclined stage. no air conditioning, and less than forty people in the congregation. my initial response was, “oh no, shes going to think churches are terrible”. i brought someone i met from the group who’s catholic. personally, ive never been so excited : ] i love small churches and how their greetings invite you into their sanctuary. but more than anything, the lead singer/moderator made it for me. not more than forty years old, this woman had the most incredible voice i have heard in about 5 weeks. she read the passage from romans 8:28-39 and i could actually understand it! the only song i recognized was crucified (above all), but the band was three girl singers, a male pianist, a drummer, and bongo player : ) she approached me from the back and literally her presence exudes peace. a simple hello, and i could already sense an overwhelming lover of Christ. service was structured a bit differently and they had a time where the congregation (those who felt convicted) would read a verse or two that blessed them. i had to stand up and say “soy esther” (est-air). i hadnt even met these people, yet i felt so at home. the wall said “nunca el amor acabara” –> love never ends. in front of me engraved in the pew “Dios es amor” –> God is Love. on the screen for praise –> “te daré lo mejor” i will give you the best. in comparison to the hundreds of people at mass last week in the intricately overwhelming cathedral, this congested forty person “culto de adoración” (worship) room, appeared to offer absolutely nothing for the bystander, yet after mass i left with an immense desire to eat lunch, and today, revival. 

you never change.